matthewgruman.com

Smashing 1st Anniversary Giveaway | Events

Matthew (September 7th, 2007, 1:22 am)

Wonderfully relevant articles with a slightly unfortunate name.

#1: Coda

That comment won me a copy of Coda from Smashing Magazine! I’m absolutely tickled.

This is incredible! Just yesterday I was wondering if anyone’s mixed mime and popping, and today I came across this completely by accident!

A few interesting things happened today:

1. I no long have to specify my order at the local caf? (dark roast, topped up).
2. The girl at the bagel shop has been promoted from cashier to bagel-maker, so now I HAVE to specify my order again (whole wheat bagel, light cream cheese).
3. My “insider sources” tell me that my name has been mentioned, casually, behind-the-scenes at Geist Magazine, which is AWESOME because they are one of the best magazines coming out of Canada (Maisonneuve and The Walrus round out THAT short list).
4. My spec guidelines for advertising in print journals have been “pilfered” by another journal! But that’s also AWESOME because The American Review of Canadian Studies is a wonderful journal staffed by wonderful people.
5. The list of Canadian Literary Magazines/Journals that I maintain, which is the most popular free listing of its kind of the net, has been referred to as The Big Kahuna which, if I have anything to do with it, will be my new nickname.
6. I get more hits to this website by people Googling variants of my full name than any other source.

It’s been a nice reminder that I exist.

The fastest available desktop computers of today will run the program at a speed that allows the printing of about 10 to the power of 7 digits per second. The average year has roughly 3.2*10^7 seconds, so this machine will print about 3.2*10^14 digits per year. We conclude that this machine will need 3.125*10^85 years to finish printing Googolplex.

- Via The Googleplex Page.

The site hasn’t been update since 2002, but still, wow…

Okkervil River

I have this friend, Jason, who is constantly turning me on to new bands. Normally, they’re really good recommendations, but there was a while that I really wasn’t feeling anything I was hearing from him. He was heavily into Interpol at the time too (FACT: I have said “oh this is AWFUL! Who is this?” in public twice in my life: once for Interpol, once for James Blunt), so I stopped paying much attention. He sent me an Okkervil River track once, but I never ended up really listening to it. I turned it on once, the singer had that slight Morrissey-whine in his voice, so I assumed the worst and turned it off.

Unfortunate decision; they are a GREAT band.

The Stage Names

For once reason or the other, I found myself with a copy of the latest Okkervil River record, “The Stage Names” and it’s INCREDIBLE. I’ve been pretty bored with Indie (the Indie sound from the just pre-The O.C. days) music lately (haha, hipster), but this record has accomplished everything I hoped The Decemberists would. It’s intelligent without appearing highfalutin (did you know that was a real word? I found out today!), the phrasing is original, and the songs themselves are very well constructed. Colour me impressed.

AND they finish the record by segueing into the BEACH BOYS?!?! Amazing album.

Listen

You should listen to (for free!) and/or buy “The Stage Names” from the band’s very cool website.

So there was a server error with one of the websites I manage – my email script mysteriously disappeared (rendering the “Contact Us” section useless), but someone was nice enough to contact me about it (irony? No, my email’s elsewhere on the site). Anyway, overnight I got a couple of very entertaining spam messages through it:

Chubby-couple

Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2007 06:25:31 -0700

To: Matthew

Subject: Chubby-couple

From: Chubby-couple

Reply-To: Chubby-couple@gmail.com

This email was sent from the website by ‘Chubby-couple’ from
‘Chubby-couple@gmail.com’.

Cool guestbook, interesting information… Keep it UP. excellent
site i really like your stuff.

Chubby guy

Chubby hairy red

Chubby pale

Chubby
mature fucked

Chubby hairy
spread

Now this is funny for a few reasons:

1. The first new spam is porn-related and valid clich?s are funny.
2. The site doesn’t have a guest book. Does any site still have a guest book? Why?
3. Chubby-couple@gmail.com ISN’T fjkslghf89dsygfds@hotmail.com
4. I’m not into chubby people, let alone chubby couples, but I’m actually sad that this email, better formatted than any spam I’ve ever seen, is being wasted.
5. Since I left the links in tact, I’m probably going to get some visitors searching for “chubby”, “couples”, and their variants.

Mantras

Date: Wed, 12 Sep 2007 07:51:25 -0700

To: Matthew

Subject: mantras

From: dani

Reply-To: email_removed@hotmail.com

This email was sent from the website by ‘dani’ from ‘email_removed@hotmail.com’.

Where can i find samples of mantras? I have to create my own for gr
11 englidh class!

This one’s funny because I think it might be for real and that terrifies me: the email I removed is perfectly valid, and the site in question is in the publishing/literature world. I’ve seen some pretty bad high school student resum?s/cover letters over the years, but it’s rare for me to get an email from one of them. Do students actually think that a professional, completely unrelated to their school, would respond to that or even know what it means? How do you spell “English” wrong in reference to your English class? Why didn’t they just google “mantra”?

Dee, you confuse me and I think I’m going to pretend that you’re real.

I don’t watch a lot of movies – I actually don’t think I’ve even been to a theatre in 2007. Call me a product of the ADD generation, but I don’t like the concept of sitting in one place and focusing my attention on one thing for two hours. I have the habit of renting movies, watching the first half hour, and then returning them (hopefully) before late fees kick in. The Last Kiss was one of those movies – it was rented and returned back when it first came out on DVD.

The O.C.

Much Music starting airing The O.C. last month; despite numerous comparisons to Adam Brody (dorky Jewish guy who’s really into music? Really?), I’d never actually seen an episode. I was out of town last weekend and allowed a lot of time to watch the impeccably-timed OC MARATHON – it’s been incredibly entertaining to finally get caught up on pop culture references from four years ago. The music really WAS good on that show.

Rachel Bilson

Rachel Bilson is in The O.C. Rachel Bilson is also in The Last Kiss. Lunch with a friend, and a conversation about looping, led me back to that Imogen Heap video I love so much. Zach Braff, the the other guy people are constantly comparing me to, hosts that Imogen Heap video where he mentions how Rachel Bilson helped get Hide and Seek into The Last Kiss. Zach Braff is in The Last Kiss. He’s also in Scrubs, which is an AWESOME show, but that’s irrelevant.

The Last Kiss

I spent a lot of this weekend working on a very fun, but very labour-intensive, project and was a little burnt out. The whole Rachel Bilson/Zach Braff/The Last Kiss/The O.C./MMM what you say? thing made me want to rent The Last Kiss again, so a trip to the local video store and a chat with stoner-clerk later, I had it in my hands.

The first time I “watched” The Last Kiss, I shut it off within the first half and hour because the very idea of Rachel Bilson’s character, Kim, ever being interested (in the specific way that she is interested) in Zach Braff’s character, Michael, was absurd. But, mostly likely due to an ever-growing Rachel Bilson fascination, I watched it all the way through this time and, SHOCK and AWE, I found it very touching and enjoyable.

I figured out why Kim would be into Michael – she isn’t real. Not in the context of the movie, but in the context of a holistic reality. She represents the “brunette I won’t ever kiss again” (paraphrasing one of Michael’s speech) – the temptation that everyone, male or female, feels when involved in a relationship. So she’s not ACTUALLY into Michael, she’s just the ever-present variable in all the character’s lives.

Commitment

This is a very conceptual movie which suffers a bit from it’s intense realism: the situations are inherently real, but there is little chance that they would ever happen to the people involved. I definitely didn’t (or didn’t want to) get that concept when I first watched it, but now it’s pretty hard to ignore. The metaphorical situations the characters get involved in create parallels to real-life scenarios that make it difficult to NOT relate. That’s a bit weird though, isn’t it? Creating a movie that requires an abandonment of reality to be understood, but requires that same reality to be appreciated? Maybe I’m looking into it too much, but I really think there’s something special about The Last Kiss that just takes a little bit of effort.

Very few things make me happier than listening to Tone L?c’s “Wild Thing” on my mp3 player when I’m wearing nice clothes.

In related news, Tone L?c is still alive!

Beats Of Boredom from adam deeves and Vimeo.

Middle-aged Golf Guy

Location: Bus Stop

Behaviour: Practicing his swing in front of the bus stop bench, ensuring no one can sit.

Appearance: Red face, Peppered blond hair, white polo, white shorts, white sneakers, black leather belt.

Explanation: He’s waiting for the bus at 9am and probably has a tee time between 9:30am-10am. So, he’s either unemployed, playing sick/taking a day off, doing some team-building event at work, performing one of those clich?d “golf with the boss” scenes, or has a great job that allows him to take off mornings for golf. I’m going to pretend that he’s playing a game against his boss, so he’s nervous. His nerves are making him doubt his ability, so he wants to get in as much warm-up time as possible. Those same nerves make him unable to think of anything else and he literally becomes blind to the world around him – a PERFECT spot to practice his swing.

Juliete Lewis-type

Location: Bus

Explanation: Listening to music, slouching, looking at people and then feigning disinterest when they look back.

Appearance: Black hair immaculately styled to look unstyled, tight black band tee-shirt, tight black jeans with a too-big waist, black Chucks.

Interpretation: I remember being 16 and watching Natural Born Killers for the first time. It had all the angst, cool music (Nine Inch Nails, Leonard Cohen), and violence that all the weird adolescent boys fall in love with. It also had Juliette Lewis – registered hottie. She was tough, weird, vulgar, and OH MY GOD SHE PLAYS IN A PUNK BAND?!?! It really made it possible to look past the fact that she’s not objectively attractive at all. There’s this weird dichotomy where 10% of the world thinks she’s hot-to-trot, but the other 90% just doesn’t get it.

Anyway, the girl on the bus was probably just listening some band I’ve never heard of on her way to class.

Young Student Air Drummer

Location: Outside my office window.

Behaviour: Listening to music, playing air drums.

Explanation: Short, backwards baseball hat, big headphones, hoodie, slouching back pack, baggy jeans, sneakers.

Interpretation: He’s young and possibly trying to become “that air drummer guy” on campus. I think we all know that, in general, it FEELS cool to air drum in public, but it definitely doesn’t LOOK cool. However, there was a time in 1999 where I was standing on rue Ste. Catherine in Montreal, waiting for my friend to finish up a conversation. I heard Phil Collins. Loud. Awesome. So I’m looking around to find out where it’s coming from when I see it: beat up car, windows down, stereo blasting, driver singing along at the top of his lungs. Then it happened; he started air drumming!

I gestured wildly to my friend, trying my best to physically represent YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS! But then he was gone. My friend came over to ask what I was waving about and I babbled pretty incessantly about how she missed what might have been the greatest moment known to mankind, and how my life has been unequivocally altered, and how there’s no more point in going to see concerts or shows because I had just witnessed the king of entertainers!

A few months passed, I didn’t think much of Phil Collins Air Drummer Guy much until another day I was walking on Ste. Catherine. I heard Phil Collins. No, calm down Matthew, that’s not possible, it can’t be. But there he is. Something’s different! HE HAS DRUM STICKS! HE IS NOT EVEN HOLDING THE WHEEL! This man was driving down one of Montreal’s main streets, singing his lungs out, and his hands are completely off the steering wheel because HE IS PHYSICALLY BEATING IT WITH DRUM STICKS! Life changed again.

I’m holding off judgment on Young Student Air Drummer. Vancouver needs more Phil Collins.

Guy Who Looks Like He’s in a Band

Location: Bathroom mirror

Behaviour: Washing hands.

Explanation: Thick black glasses, unkempt stubble, red tie from Zeller’s, untucked light blue button-down shirt with the top button undone and sleeves which have probably never been rolled down, jeans, vegetarian-friendly belt, vegetarian-friendly brown semi-formal shoes.

Interpretation: There was this one time that I went down to the Picadilly Pub in Vancouver to see one of my favourite, formerly-local, Montreal bands: The Snitches. The show was great; lots of energy, people dancing, a bit sweaty. Afterwards, I was chatting with the band when their hype man kept insisting that I was in this band he’s just played with but no, no I really wasn’t. He kept insisting that he knew me from a band, but I wasn’t in one, so I said he probably just saw me at a Montreal show or around the city somewhere. This spurred the REALLY ENERGETIC guy the right to start telling everyone how cool I was because I lived in Montreal. Then he found out that the band was also from Montreal and was hooting and hollering about the “cool Montreal guys over here”. It was pretty absurd.

I was looking a little bit douche bag today. And I always wash my hands.

Yuppie

Location: My couch

Behaviour: Stop reading over my shoulder, Travis!

Appearance: Short hair, immaculately styled stubble, black sweater vest, black tie, white shirt, pin stripe pants, black leather belt, patent leather black shoes.

Explanation: Seriously creeping me out now, dude…