matthewgruman.com

Travis’ most recent post, Yes, this is from a real owner’s manual for a GE stove…and yes that says “Using the Sabbath Feature”, claims the following:

[T]he designer of this page, Matthew, is Jewish and has approved of this posting

1. I did not design his page. I customized the header, removed some too-busy elements, and redid the typography. Brian Gardner designed the template.
2. I am Jewish, but was not consulted for approval of the post.
3. I think a Sabbath feature on ovens is awesome and hilarious.
4. I’m not going to tell Travis about this post.

[UPDATE]: A retraction has been posted. The Internet works!

Yo brother…where have you been???

I want to connect with you…

DeeBee Ital feat MC Robotman…

we can be like Kanye West and Daft Punk…hahahha

Get back to me mang…

Last year, I had this great idea to be a robotic MC and make hip hop music. I did one full track, a few beats, and got a hold of the perfect voice synthesizer software. I even made a MySpace account, made up a backstory, and started collecting friends for “collaborations”. Then my free time disappeared and “robot MC” wasn’t a big priority anymore.

But, I still got fan mail from an Ontario MC named DeeBee Ital; I think I replied as a robot. I thought it was absolutely hilarious and assumed he was in on the joke. Anyway, I logged in today for the first time in about a year and he’d written the above comment. I think he’s serious.

Crescent St. in Montréal. It really gets going at the two minute mark.

Apparently, John Mayer did a one-off TV show for VH1 back in 2004 and it’s HILARIOUS.

Via Cho.

• aggressively un-nice person
• curse word synonymous with “unbelievable jerk” that begins with the letter A
• epithet that begins with the first letter of the alphabet
• buttocks personified
• human derrieres
• scatalogical body part
• a-hole
• rectal
• orifice
• disagreeable people
• excretory opening
• scatalogical body part
• posterior portal
• the word we have refrained from printing thus far in this interview
• begins with A, you figure it out

Quill Blog.

These are part of a couple Red Bull promotional campaigns. Made by this guy who, apparently, is hilarious.

I remember getting approached by a Red Bull rep around eight years ago when they first launched the can version in Montreal:

Rep: Do you want to try the new Red Bull?
Me: Not really, but thanks anyway
Rep: But it’ll give you so much energy! And it’s natural! No caffeine!
Me: Really? Alright, sure. Let’s try it. [looks at ingredients]. There’s caffeine in this!
Rep: What? Where does it say that?
Me: Right after sugar…

I can’t help but think of how much better that would have gone with Corey Blade.

It’s possible to (mis)use all seven words in a one-sentence book report: “Mario Puzo’s intriguing novel eschews the lyrical as the author instead crafts a poignant tale of family life and muses on the compelling doings of the Mob.”
[emphasis mine. mg]

From Papercuts, via Quill.

This is what happens when you take the proportions of cartoon/Nintendo Mario’s face and apply real-world characteristics to it. It was created using Photoshop and a bunch of features from a bunch of real faces. It is currently creeping the shit out of me.

Kotaku.

Because Travis doesn’t publish ours anymore, meet my friend/former roommate Greg:

The Wire, Diabetes, and Waffle Cones

Greg: cant stop watching the wire
Greg: my dreams are gonna be forever ruined

Matthew: what is the wire?

Greg: its an hbo show about crime and drugs in baltimore
Greg: named best show on tv a few times, its pretty sweet

Matthew: what is baltimore?

Greg: its an icecream waffle cone thing with nuts and caramel in the center

Matthew: sounds like it would make my foot fall off
Matthew: but it would be the most delicious cause of gangrene ever

Greg: the wire refers to the little red string that helps you unwrap the cone
Greg: are you allergic to waffles?

Matthew: no, I have diabetes
Matthew: allergies aren’t usually the cause of gangrene

Greg: whats diabetes?

Matthew: a mental disorder, originating in ancient greece, that sees those afflicted cutting their own feet up until they become gangrenous and fall off

Greg: thats crazy man, where do the waffle cones fit in?

Matthew: they’ve tracked down the DNA string that activates the disorder. amazingly, it’s EXACTLY the same as what is found in waffle cones