Douche Bag Archetypes I saw Today
Middle-aged Golf Guy
Location: Bus Stop
Behaviour: Practicing his swing in front of the bus stop bench, ensuring no one can sit.
Appearance: Red face, Peppered blond hair, white polo, white shorts, white sneakers, black leather belt.
Explanation: He’s waiting for the bus at 9am and probably has a tee time between 9:30am-10am. So, he’s either unemployed, playing sick/taking a day off, doing some team-building event at work, performing one of those clich?d “golf with the boss” scenes, or has a great job that allows him to take off mornings for golf. I’m going to pretend that he’s playing a game against his boss, so he’s nervous. His nerves are making him doubt his ability, so he wants to get in as much warm-up time as possible. Those same nerves make him unable to think of anything else and he literally becomes blind to the world around him – a PERFECT spot to practice his swing.
Juliete Lewis-type
Location: Bus
Explanation: Listening to music, slouching, looking at people and then feigning disinterest when they look back.
Appearance: Black hair immaculately styled to look unstyled, tight black band tee-shirt, tight black jeans with a too-big waist, black Chucks.
Interpretation: I remember being 16 and watching Natural Born Killers for the first time. It had all the angst, cool music (Nine Inch Nails, Leonard Cohen), and violence that all the weird adolescent boys fall in love with. It also had Juliette Lewis – registered hottie. She was tough, weird, vulgar, and OH MY GOD SHE PLAYS IN A PUNK BAND?!?! It really made it possible to look past the fact that she’s not objectively attractive at all. There’s this weird dichotomy where 10% of the world thinks she’s hot-to-trot, but the other 90% just doesn’t get it.
Anyway, the girl on the bus was probably just listening some band I’ve never heard of on her way to class.
Young Student Air Drummer
Location: Outside my office window.
Behaviour: Listening to music, playing air drums.
Explanation: Short, backwards baseball hat, big headphones, hoodie, slouching back pack, baggy jeans, sneakers.
Interpretation: He’s young and possibly trying to become “that air drummer guy” on campus. I think we all know that, in general, it FEELS cool to air drum in public, but it definitely doesn’t LOOK cool. However, there was a time in 1999 where I was standing on rue Ste. Catherine in Montreal, waiting for my friend to finish up a conversation. I heard Phil Collins. Loud. Awesome. So I’m looking around to find out where it’s coming from when I see it: beat up car, windows down, stereo blasting, driver singing along at the top of his lungs. Then it happened; he started air drumming!
I gestured wildly to my friend, trying my best to physically represent YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THIS! But then he was gone. My friend came over to ask what I was waving about and I babbled pretty incessantly about how she missed what might have been the greatest moment known to mankind, and how my life has been unequivocally altered, and how there’s no more point in going to see concerts or shows because I had just witnessed the king of entertainers!
A few months passed, I didn’t think much of Phil Collins Air Drummer Guy much until another day I was walking on Ste. Catherine. I heard Phil Collins. No, calm down Matthew, that’s not possible, it can’t be. But there he is. Something’s different! HE HAS DRUM STICKS! HE IS NOT EVEN HOLDING THE WHEEL! This man was driving down one of Montreal’s main streets, singing his lungs out, and his hands are completely off the steering wheel because HE IS PHYSICALLY BEATING IT WITH DRUM STICKS! Life changed again.
I’m holding off judgment on Young Student Air Drummer. Vancouver needs more Phil Collins.
Guy Who Looks Like He’s in a Band
Location: Bathroom mirror
Behaviour: Washing hands.
Explanation: Thick black glasses, unkempt stubble, red tie from Zeller’s, untucked light blue button-down shirt with the top button undone and sleeves which have probably never been rolled down, jeans, vegetarian-friendly belt, vegetarian-friendly brown semi-formal shoes.
Interpretation: There was this one time that I went down to the Picadilly Pub in Vancouver to see one of my favourite, formerly-local, Montreal bands: The Snitches. The show was great; lots of energy, people dancing, a bit sweaty. Afterwards, I was chatting with the band when their hype man kept insisting that I was in this band he’s just played with but no, no I really wasn’t. He kept insisting that he knew me from a band, but I wasn’t in one, so I said he probably just saw me at a Montreal show or around the city somewhere. This spurred the REALLY ENERGETIC guy the right to start telling everyone how cool I was because I lived in Montreal. Then he found out that the band was also from Montreal and was hooting and hollering about the “cool Montreal guys over here”. It was pretty absurd.
I was looking a little bit douche bag today. And I always wash my hands.
Yuppie
Location: My couch
Behaviour: Stop reading over my shoulder, Travis!
Appearance: Short hair, immaculately styled stubble, black sweater vest, black tie, white shirt, pin stripe pants, black leather belt, patent leather black shoes.
Explanation: Seriously creeping me out now, dude…
Comments
[...] of tabbing was through The Snitches’ “Swallow”. They’re one of my favourite Montreal bands, but not exactly the best known group in the world – I was never even sure if anyone had seen it. [...]
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